Turn me on gay
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Often self-critical. Sometimes what looks like mismatched desire is actually about unmet needs for safety, validation, or emotional connection.
There's also a neurochemical piece worth understanding. The healthiest relationships I see, both monogamous and open, are built on honesty and genuine agreement.
These conversations aren't easy—with ourselves or our partners.
Many of us are pushing back against heteronormative relationship models, which makes sense. But they're necessary, and they're worth having.
Coming Out Gay Step-By-Step
What Does Coming Out Gay Mean?
Coming out gay refers to the process of accepting one's own sexuality and embracing it, followed by disclosing it to family, friends and co-workers.
One partner might pursue more sexual variety. Many of us had no models for healthy gay male relationships growing up, and questioning internalized beliefs is a necessary part of our self-actualization process. A lot of men I work with say yes to opening up their relationship before they've asked themselves that question.
If you're considering non-monogamy, pay attention to what happens in your body when you imagine opening your relationship or your partner with someone else.
The hypoarousal partner gets relief from what feels like constant pressure. Other times, it’s a way to sidestep underlying problems in the relationship.
A good friend of mine is in an open relationship and just got engaged. There are many gay support groups, organizations, resources and forums one can go to in order to deal with this stress.
This can lead to a couple having frequent sex but still feeling emotionally distant. Where silence feels safer than honesty.
He is not broken. He was a friend. The premise of Imago is that we consciously or unconsciously seek out relationships to help us heal childhood wounds. While open relationships can work, many men report in therapy that they don't actually want to be in one.
I think I want to feel that powerful. Read: What is Coming Out, and Should I Come Out of the Closet?)
To start with, coming out gay can often be confusing and scary because of:
- being fearful of other's reactions
- concerns for the person's own future
- concerns over scrutiny and discrimination
These concerns are all valid and represent a fear of the unknown.
Monogamy, by contrast, is often described as restrictive, fear-based, or borrowed from heterosexual norms that never served us.
They're not entirely wrong. Where any expression of desire is punished.